26 Aug 5000 FB Friends or 1 Lifetime BFF?
By Robyn Williams
If you had to choose, which would you rather have? Five thousand FB friends or one lifetime BFF? Consider the following before you answer.
I staunchly believe that our closest friends are the family we get choose. They are gifts given to help us navigate this journey called life. Friendships tend to converge with the age-resistant adage, “a season, a reason, a lifetime.” When I evaluate my personal friendship ecosystem, I see a small circle surrounded by two larger ones. This picturesque view of my friendship world has one caveat. Friendships are fluid. For various reasons, some friends come and go, enabling others to rise and fall accordingly within the friendship hierarchy. But some friends are constant and rarely trade places.
Outer Core Friends – Here for a Season
These are friends you see or speak to sporadically. It’s not about how often you communicate. It’s just that the connection, which may have been strong at one point, loosened over time. Maybe they were high school, college, church chums or former work buddies. Or, maybe they were short-term, chance-encounter passengers you met along the way. You had some good times together, you made it out of some tight spaces, or perhaps you did some things together that you hope will never see the light of day. As life marched on, somewhere along the way, you drifted apart. Now when you think of them, you remember them fondly because you knew each other “when”. You still think of them as friends, so it might not be inappropriate to reach out to reminisce about those back-in-the-day memories. However, it would be inappropriate for them to call you at 3 AM asking for emergency cash. (But I digress…) These friends have become like that little black dress in the back of your closet; the one you keep around for old-time’s sake. You may not be able to wear the dress any longer, but you hang onto it because it brings back distant memories. These friends had a time and place in your life, but that season has likely come to an end.
Inner-Core Friends – Here for a Reason
The friends in the inner court share some similarities with the outer core folk. But, inner-core friends are closer to your heart. Whereas you may have outer-core friends by the boatload, those in your inner-core circle are more likely to be counted on just one or two hands. These friends are the essential workers in your life’s journey. Mutually, you’ve been there for one another. You know some of their darkest history; they know some of yours. Not necessarily because you lived through it with them, but maybe you were there to help put the pieces back together. With inner-core friends, you’ve faced critical circumstances where you’ve prayed each other through. Laughter, tears, heartache. Perhaps these shared experiences (and other commonalities) are the primary reasons that drew you into each other’s lives. Inner-core friends strengthen you and prove that iron sharpens iron. They are your journeymen who speak truth to power. These allies are with you through the thick and thin. You may not see or talk to each other every day. But as soon as you make contact, you pick up instantly right where you left off. Your inner-core friends are your tribe. They are loyal, consistent and in your corner when the chips are down.
Of course, it costs something to gain access to your inner court. And that’s the way it should be. Not everyone has earned the right to be there. Loyalty is currency, along with knowing you can count on one another. Jealousy, backstabbing and betrayal have no place in your inner-core circle. If you spot them in your inner court, they are the blazing, neon sign that it is time to clean house.
Nucleus-Core Friends – Here for a Lifetime
This person (or persons) knows ALL your darkest secrets. Yet, doesn’t judge you or think less of you because of them. The nucleus friend is the one you come to raw, with nothing to hide because you know they will give you the unvarnished truth, straight/no chaser. Nucleus friends call you on your b.s., but with love. They don’t mince words because it’s understood unquestionably that what they say to you is never meant to wound, but instead to strengthen you in the areas where you are weak. The nucleus friend acts as a sounding board and shield because they see things you may be blind to. Anyone fortunate enough to have a nucleus friend understands that that person is a gift.
My nucleus-core friend, Chanette Beasley, has been in my life since kindergarten. All throughout grammar school, high school, til present day, we’ve been constants in each other’s lives. From our first crush on boys in grammar school all the way to high school where we both met and fell in love with beautiful, bow-legged, Kenny Thornton during our Freshman year. Every morning, we would race to the bus stop just to see which one of us would get to sit next to him on the bus. We didn’t realize it at the time, but the lesson we learned all the way back then was that our friendship bond was too important to allow us to fight over boys. Maybe that’s why Kenny became our pal until he moved out of state. Later that Freshman year, our social network expanded. She went her way with her crew, and I found my own group of friends. Although we traveled in different circles, we still stayed closely connected – coming together often to share what was new in our worlds. After high school and college, she met and married the love of her life. I flew off to New York to be with the man I thought would be mine. It was during my time living in New York City that our friendship deepened and went to another level. She became pregnant and we leaned on each other throughout her pregnancy. There were days we would talk on the phone until we ran out of words. But instead of hanging up, we’d put the phone on speaker and continue with whatever we were doing. We were hundreds of miles apart but connected all the same.
In the decades since then, our friendship has endured all that life has thrown at us. We finish each other’s sentences; we know when the other is hurting; and we’ve never dated anyone long term who we didn’t introduce to one another. We were a package deal and any significant other had to pass the smell test! Did we have our differences over the years? You bet! Knock-down, drag out, kiss my you-know-what ones. But we always came back together, made up and talked about where we didn’t see eye to eye. We don’t agree on everything. We are both strong women and we know how to agree to disagree. Once fledgling, insecure kids on a Chicago playground, my life-long Agape BFF and I have morphed into confident, successful, nurturing, seasoned women. We’ve been through the hard spaces in life and we’ve come out on the other side. Our friendship has stood the test of time. We recognized that we’ve been put in each other’s life to help one another make it through. And now, back to the original question: Which would you rather have? And why?